So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
