i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
