Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I can't turn off my feet"
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
