If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I AM VODKA MAN
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
