I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
