its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
