i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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