I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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