i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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