the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
