What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
