just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
