You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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