so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
