He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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