Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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