My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
