ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize