i think i have two assholes
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
