Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
