Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
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