my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
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