Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
