I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
