i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
