people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
