My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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