Just took my morning after pill in the library
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
