so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize