Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
