So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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