btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i think my mom watched the whole time
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
