She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
