I looked at my own cervix.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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