I faked an abortion last night.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
