can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
