She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
