If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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