I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
When are your genitals available?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
