period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
