I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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