i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
third nipple confirmed
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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