I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
