She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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