You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
