so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
