just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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