I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
