I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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