My sheets look like a crime scene.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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