You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
