Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
