hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize