Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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