This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
