ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Never underestimate the power of titties
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
