Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
