i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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