if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
